“If they hurt me so much…why do I still miss them?”
Perhaps you’ve wondered this question in your head after you’ve finally had enough and decided to leave.
Or perhaps you haven’t left yet because whenever you try, they apologize and tell you they will change. Everything feels great for a bit until they revert to their old selves.
Again…
The criticisms, manipulations, tears, and guilt.
But now it’s you who is apologizing.
Sound familiar? Don’t worry; you’re not “crazy” or weak at all. What you might be experiencing could be trauma bonding, an emotional bond that forms within toxic environments, making it extremely hard to leave.
It Was Never “Just Leave”
One of the hardest things that people are told after they share their problems with a toxic relationship is:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
But if only it were this easy.
People aren’t staying in this relationship for the sake of being beaten. No, they’re staying because the relationship doesn’t cause them pain all the time. There are good times among the bad. There are apologies, there are promises, there is laughter, and there are those few instances where they remind themselves of how much they love the other person.
That gives them hope and makes someone stay longer than they ever expected.
When Love Starts to Feel Like Survival
Healthy relationships leave you feeling respected, appreciated, and emotionally secure.
A trauma bond is different.
You might always be on edge when there’s potential for a confrontation, treading on eggshells, and telling yourself that if only you say the magic words or do one more thing differently, everything will improve.
Ultimately, you become more concerned with making it through the relationship than being in love.
It’s a sign that you have become stuck in an emotional abuse loop.
Could This Be Happening to You?
Everyone is unique in their experiences, but some typical signs indicate trauma bonding. They include:
- Being emotionally bonded with a person who emotionally abuses and manipulates you repeatedly
- Making excuses for their actions when you would definitely not put up with such things from the person you love
- Thinking that each apology from your partner means something forever, even though nothing changes
- Experiencing guilt or anxiety every time you consider breaking up
- Isolating yourself from your friends or relatives because the relationship has taken up all your time
- Going back to the relationship again despite the promises that you gave yourself before
These things sound familiar? Then you know that you are not alone in this struggle.
Why Walking Away Feels So Hard
The trauma bond will not go away simply because you realize what it is.
On one hand, you will know intellectually that you are in an unhealthy situation, but on the other hand, you will desperately miss that person whom you wanted to be.
Not only will you grieve the lost relationship, but also the dreams and futures that were not realized, and the broken promises made by this person.
Healing Doesn’t Happen All at Once
There is no foolproof map, but that is alright.
Healing begins with a single step,
Reaching out to someone you can confide in,
Picking up a friend’s call on the phone,
Putting down how you feel in writing instead of ignoring it,
Setting a single boundary,
Choosing yourself even when it is difficult.
Soon enough, that single step becomes a bigger one.
Slowly, you learn to listen to yourself again.
You Deserve Relationships That Feel Safe
Exposure to toxic relationships may create some psychological scars, but one does not need to let their past experiences control their future life.
It is possible to learn how to regain self-confidence and build healthy boundaries if one works on it.
Professional individual counseling provides a comfortable environment for processing past experiences, identifying harmful patterns in one’s relationships, and developing strategies to overcome those difficulties. One does not need to know all the answers to seek help; sometimes, it is enough to be listened to without being judged.
What to Remember
- Trauma bonding makes it exceedingly hard to get out of an unhealthy relationship despite knowing that such a relationship might be harmful.
- Signs of trauma bonding tend to include emotional dependency, constant forgiveness for negative actions, and an inability to break away.
- The cycle of emotional abuse and loving at the same time can cause one to develop confusion in terms of their emotions.
- Finding ways on how to break a trauma bond takes time and patience.
- The following steps should be carefully learned to recover successfully.
- Individual counselling services can help regain self-confidence, process past experiences, and form positive relationships in the future.
Maybe This Was the Sign You Needed
If you found this article too close to home, that might be because you have carried far more than you know. You do not have to prove your strength by suffering alone.
At Passages LLC, healing begins with open communication, compassionate individual counseling, and a staff that is prepared to meet you where you are. When you are ready, we will be here to support you in taking that next step- toward safety, empowerment, and hope.
